Weight Worries.

Weight Worries.

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]his post is going to be channelling my inner Hannah Gale (we all have an inner Hannah Gale, don’t we?) and going off on one about what’s in my head. Hoorah! I struggle to write these types of post because I normally get to the end like ‘oh okay well that was helpful to no one thanks me’. We’ll just see what happens with this one.

I’m currently in the middle of a bit of a wobbly time. Wobbly in my head, wobbly in my thighs. Some people carry their extra weight really well and always look fab and chic and whatever – I do not. Mine makes me look uneven and lopsided and makes me feel like hiding forever. Mine doesn’t make me feel empowered and beautiful, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Before we get into it, my opinions on my own body have nothing to do with anyone else’s. As I say, some people are totes happy with their own bodies and lives and that’s cool, but I’m not, and that’s cool too.

I currently weigh more than I’ve ever weighed in my life, and I currently have less motivation to sort myself out than I’ve ever had in my life. Fun times.

After putting on about a stone since Christmas (thanks for that, patisserie) I’d kinda promised myself that I’d have shed it all back off by Ollie’s graduation (1st July, lol), so that I didn’t look like he’d bought one of his family’s cows along with him for the ceremony and photos. I’m so mean to myself, but I was also really proud of that joke when I first made it and my mum found it hilarious so fight me.

I’m not fishing for compliments, don’t you worry.

On the whole I’m happy. I love Paris, I love my friends and I love my life. In every single other part of my life, it all seems to be coming together.

I’m not, however, happy with what I look like. Lately I’ve been cancelling/avoiding plans because of what I look like. With summer here, I can look forward to a good few months melting in my black jeans because I do not own a single skirt or pair of shorts. I really hate summer.

It hit me square in the chest last Friday, while out with one of my best friends in all of the world. I was so happy and care free and when everyone went for food I just wasn’t hungry – because I actually wasn’t hungry. I wasn’t boredom eating or binge eating or whatever I do to get my head around things. I was just so blissfully happy and therefore aware of my own body and knew what I did and didn’t need. I realised, completely and utterly, that I self medicate with food. I am addicted to food because I think I need it to feel better. I don’t.

I’ve been binge eating solidly for about three or four months now. Sitting in my flat by myself, thinking about how none of my clothes fit anyone, about how next year I’m going to have to hide in my room, about how I’ve let myself down, eating.

To add insult to injury, on the other side of my head, my brain is saying things like ‘well, why bother trying now? You have two weeks left in Paris so why not eat everything while you’re here and just enjoy yourself?’ Oh if only I could, brain. If only you worked like that.

I’ve had full on screaming arguments with myself, in my head, all over Paris. On the metro after a long day at school, walking through the park to meet a friend for lunch, sitting alone in my flat. Screaming arguments about how I have to eat healthily but need to have a life and make the most of Paris but need to fit into my clothes and need to be able to leave my room next year.

The more upset I get about my weight, about how hot I am in jeans, about how I’m wasting my time in Paris by eating dust, the unhappier I get and the more likely I am to eat an entire packet of oreos, and then some, in bed.

It isn’t a case of just getting over it. It isn’t a case of just living life and not worrying because while good for you if that’s your jam, it just doesn’t work for me. I’m so much happier when my clothes fit and when I don’t have to untag myself from memories that I’d otherwise love to keep. If anyone tells me to stop worrying about it they’re going to get cut, real talk. My body, my food, my rules.

I just don’t know what to do. And even worse, I just don’t care. I don’t care about myself enough to try and sort myself out and make myself happy. And I don’t care because I stopped caring and started living my life. Vicious circle, eh? I’ve tried star charts and graphs and rewards, and everything that has helped me before. Hell, in sixth form I lost about two stone without even really trying hard. Everyone was doing it and it was just easy.

But everyone isn’t doing it this time. This time it’s just me, alone in my flat, fighting off late night nutella sandwiches that I know won’t make me feel any better.

It’s weird because it’s not like I am lonely. I see my friends almost every day, and I love the time I get to spend alone. I’m not lonely. But something is definitely missing. There’s definitely a hole that I just can’t fill.

Maybe when I get home I can get back to being on top of my life and looking after myself.

Maybe not.

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  • Katie says:

    I’m actually going through something similar so can completely relate to you. I think this is why I’m so in love with your blog, it’s so real. Your so open & honest, sharing your personal self. It’s so refreshing & like reading about a friend. I love it.. But I’ve put on weight, it creeps up on me. I get torn between ‘food is there to be enjoyed’ and ‘I won’t be able to cope with the guilt/pregnant chocolate belly after’. I’m trying to find a balance. Maybe a magnum & a bar of dairy milk isn’t so great to eat every night watching game of thrones with my boyfriend? Sure, it’s delicious. He can eat whatever he wants without putting weight on. I can’t, it shows straight away. I’m only 5 foot, literally. So it shows, everywhere. My face & belly the most, sadly. But it’s so, so good to read this & know I’m not the only one having a little argument in my head. I’ve stopped caring. I used to go to the gym 5 days a week & was vegan. Now I’ve not been to the gym in over a year & eat the worst I ever have. But I’m the skinniest I ever have been, yet it’s creeping on a little bit. Just a big thankyou for writing this post. I know your not after sympathy but I want you to know how much I enjoyed you being open, it makes you human & so relatable!!

    Katie // wordsbykatie.com

  • Beth Bayes says:

    Sending you all my love! I think it’s very brave to be so open like this and I think this post will probably help a lot of people without you realising it! I hope you get back to your happy size and your happy place soon and thank you for being so real and honest!

    Beth xxx
    myfunsizeddlife.blogspot.co.uk

  • I feel you, it’s good to get it out on the blog! I have a similar thing with London and travel and I always want to go out and enjoy myself and not mind what I eat, but the weight is definitely piling it on but I still haven’t figured out a good way to balance the two. Sending love!

    Jasmin Charlotte

  • Sassy says:

    Oh, Imii. You’re not alone with this. For me, I know that part of my struggle is with uni. But definitely feel you on the self medication with food. And I have a similar thing with losing weight a few years ago (lost about 2 stone like you) and gained it back plus a little extra and now I’m here with mostly clothes that don’t fit in a cycle of being unhappy, eating and being unhappy again.
    It’s definitely not a thing you just get over with. 🙁 I’m already scared of the weather becoming really good. I spent so many years of my life in long trouser in summer and I just want to go back to the moment when I didn’t feel ashamed for wearing shorts. But I just can’t somehow right now.
    So, I guess, I somehow know how you feel. And if you ever wanna talk I’d be there.
    xx

  • Sarah says:

    I went through exactly the same on my year abroad! I lived in Germany and over the ten months I was there I put on almost two stone and absolutely hated the way I looked. I lived right next to an outdoor water park and I’d spend the blazing hot summer days alone in my room because I was too self-conscious to wear a swimsuit and join my friends swimming. I don’t really have any advice because even though I lost all the weight when I got home I don’t really feel any happier and I still hate summer because I hate the way I look in shorts and dresses with no tights. Just wanted to let you know that I relate and hope you start feeling a bit more body positive soon!
    http://www.moonandforest.co.uk

  • Megan says:

    Can totally relate to this. I used to be able to eat what I wanted without putting on any weight, but I’ve put on so much weight this last year and on the one hand I care because some of my clothes don’t fit anymore and I don’t like how my tummy looks, but on the other hand I’m like so what? I’m not motivated to exercise and to be honest I’m just too lazy to do anything about the weight I’ve put on, so I guess I’ll just be here for a while trying to figure out what I’m going to do.

    Megan / lazythoughts.co.uk

  • Kathryn O'Connor says:

    Oh gal, I feel you on this post so much. I’m currently stuck in the limbo of wanting to be two stone lighter, but not wanting to restrict myself as I see food as a comfort far too often. I really hope you start to feel better and regain your confidence soon, it’s a horrible place for someone to be stuck in. x

    Kathryn | Chapters of Kat

  • Patti Blue says:

    I go through something quite similar at the moment. I have put on some weight and I haven’t exercised since February. During the last couple of months, when I was writing my thesis, I was just eating so much and not moving much at all. But I always thought that I’d sort that out later and get fit for summer. Now that summer is here (although not really, as it is raining right now), I still feel uncomfortable with myself and the thought of wearing a bikini is a bit scary to be honest. However, just like you, I am quite unmotivated to sort this out.
    I think this is not an unusual thing to go through. We all feel bad about ourselves at times and I think that’s okay, actually. For me, as soon as I reach a point where I feel really horrible about myself, I start doing something about it. I really enjoyed this post, I think it’s nice to read something more personal, especially as it is something so relatable. 🙂
    Patti Shifting Tales

  • Aimée Julia Cottle says:

    I don’t really have any advice as I am in a situation where I desperately need to lose some weight, for my self-esteem, but don’t seem to have the motivation to do anything about it. I’ve just started swimming, as I know I don’t move enough which, coupled with eating crap, is not helping me lose weight. But it’s really, really hard. Especially if you’re eating to fill a hole (which I do, too!) Just sending love and good thoughts to you and hope that you find a way to turn things around to the way you want them soon. x http://www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x

  • Sam says:

    I really like this post (and can relate to weight worries as I’m recovered from anorexia) – I think maybe listening to your body could help and eating intuitively? If you want something you deem as ‘unhealthy’ then have it, but stop when you’ve truly had enough. That way, you’re not denying yourself anything, you’re enjoying everything you possibly can (not everything will be bad for you anyway?), but you’re also not making yourself unhappy xxx

    Sam // What I Know Now

  • woodenwindowsills says:

    Last week I posted such a similar post on my blog, but wrote it and spent weeks umming and ahhing whether to actually post it, because realistically I actually wanted to admit my biggest weakness, and simultaneously, admitting it is half the problem. I love food, but like you, use it as a crux for when I’m lonely, bored, or sad. Then equally I also rely on enjoying it when I’m happy and let myself have treats as rewards, because nothing quite hits the spot than a few squares of dairy milk! I love exercise, but i’m also inherently lazy, which is a daily conflict! I need to get my head in that space where food is there to be enjoyed, but in a far more balanced way than “oh crap, I’ve had such a bad day, let me stuff myself silly with sugar to try and make me feel better”. Basically, your words were completely what I needed, and the wonderful thing about the internet is that we aren’t alone, not one bit! Alice xx

    http://www.woodenwindowsills.co.uk

    P.S Definitely have an internal Hannah Gale monologue going on frequently in life – I imagine it’s similar to how Beyonce feels about Sasha Fierce…!!

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