So here we go, I’m basically starting everything again.
I say everything, what I mean are a few things that are actually quite big, scary and time-consuming, that I had previously failed at. Whatever. No need to be pedantic.
Tomorrow marks my first day back at university in Paris so that’s bloody terrifying. It’s also going to be my first day alone in Paris (sans friends/family/Oliver) for a long long time, and marks the start of a massive five month stint. Nervous is an understatement.
I’m really bloody scared. Like, lie awake at night staring at the ceiling kind of scared. I’m excited too, but scared is taking first place.
I shared with you a little while ago my thoughts on being bold in 2016. I meant every word of that post and still do. It really is time to hold our heads up, face it all and win.
However, something that I am a little worried about is doing just that. Facing my fears is all well and good, but what if I fail? What if, again, I can only manage a few months before I just get ill and have to come home? I mean, it happened before. What’s stopping it happening again?
And then what will people think of me? I’m on a year abroad that was optional: it wasn’t part of my official degree programme and I do not study languages. I put myself in this position so it’s entirely down to me to fight or to flee. Am I a failure for taking on something that I probably couldn’t handle, and then quitting? Am I an idiot for failing at something that every single language student has to do anyway? (This last one is why I constantly remind people that I speak no French…)
It’s probably not good to dwell on these questions so I’m going to move on to something a little more positive (I hope).
I’m restarting The Body Coach’s 90 DaySSS! Hoorah for me!
You’ll remember that I attempted the plan back in September (lol) and while the first month went pretty well, all the horrors and stresses of Paris got to me and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was so drained and broken that I just couldn’t do anything but sleep to be honest.
Well, I’m starting again on that too. And I’m going to do it properly.
I’ve printed off months 1 and 2 in their entirety and have bound them into a nice little book, with space to add month 3 when I get there. I’m feeling really positive about this because since coming home from Paris in November, I’ve managed to emotional eat my way into jeans two sizes bigger. Yep. Don’t even.
Tomorrow I’m going to start my day with a super smoothie (avocado, yoghurt, etc) and at some point hit the gym for some HIIT. I’m almost excited.
So yes, I really am going to be bold. I’m going to be bolder than ever.
And hey, restarting doesn’t necessarily mean you failed the first time. It just means that this time you’re going to be stronger, wiser and just so much better. It was a small stepping stone that lead to the ultimate success.
So while I’m scared, I am also excited.
I’m excited about June. About heading back on that Eurostar and landing in London and saying ‘yes, I did that.’ I’m excited to finally learn enough French so as to feel comfortable. I’m excited to find my feet just a little more in Paris.
One thing I’ve been telling myself over and over is that I want to make the next five months a positive experience.
When I leave in June, or when I head back to Durham in October, I don’t want to answer questions about Paris with my standard ‘yeah it was fine’. I don’t want to go back to university thinking ‘yeah it was okay but to be honest I should have just graduated like everyone else’. That is quite honestly the worst thing that could come out of this.
Is there anything that you’re nervous/excited for?
Are you starting again?