Well, indeed, what is going on with me?
Bit of a personal post today, so apologies for that (or not…)
Lately things have been a little bit up in the air. You may have seen it all over instagram and twitter, but I have left Paris for a little while. After my brief week away I returned to my little studio and had a bit of a breakdown. I didn’t move from my bed for several days and spent many an hour on the phone in tears to anyone and everyone. Basically, the thought of going back to uni in France turned me into a nervous, depressed wreck.
I spent every minute of every day trying to figure out what to do. Do I leave Paris and probably regret it? Do I stay and risk my own mental health? One minute I wanted to stay forever and the next I wanted to leave and never come back. Basically, it was fucking tough.
On top of that, I had a really bloody awful toothache. This toothache turned out to be a bit of a blessing, but I did spend two weeks in constant pain, unable to sleep or even concentrate for longer than a minute.
Lets be honest here. It was an absolute shocker of a week.
Luckily I managed to find an English-speaking dentist in Paris and was informed that I needed root canal on one of my back teeth, as well as the ‘oh and also there’s a wisdom tooth coming through above it’ that just adds the cherry to the happy sundae.
I say that the toothache turned out to be a blessing, this is because it gave me a get out clause. Essentially it took the decision away from me. I had to go home, no doubt, because of my tooth, and not because of any choice I’d made. I didn’t give up, but I didn’t have to stay.
So, where does this leave me?
So the big plan now is to take the next two months of uni/Paris and focus on myself. I need to have quite a few dental things done as well as needing time to sort out my head a bit.
As for returning to Paris, I am under no obligation to go back. I have until the end of the month to collect my thoughts and either opt in or out for the second semester, which starts at the end of January.
At the moment I really want to go back. I’ve been offered a change of course by my university out there, so instead of studying in French, I’ll be studying French. This is probably what I should have done from the start as I barely have a GCSE in the language of love. Ah well. All done now.
Until then I’m free as a bird. I mean, aside from dentist things and probably finding some kind of work.
Brace yourselves for lots of Christmassy posts as I’m going to be home a lot. Think baking, winter walks, cafés, etc.
I have also set myself a few little goals to achieve before January 20th:
- Learn more French. I want to go back to Paris knowing a little bit more than when I left, not a little bit less.
- Focus on my health. I need to take more time for myself, now that I am in a pretty stress free environment. I’m no 1 for now.
- Try not to obsess over how much I love Léa Seydoux. I mean seriously, just look at her though. Daym.
Sometimes things don’t happen quite as we imagine them. That doesn’t mean that they don’t happen at all, or that the experience is worth any less.0