[dropcap]F[/dropcap]or the past few months, everything has kinda been a bit of a mess. I’ve just been lost under a sea of essays, presentations, diss stuff, stress about the whole ‘I have nothing to do when I graduate’ thing, and everything else on top. I’ve put on hella weight, my skin has gone to shit, and my relationships with friends, etc., have suffered. As I say, it’s all been a bit of a mess.
I’m terrified about the whole graduating thing. I’m so scared that in any future planning, my life literally stops on July 1st, the day after I graduate. It’s like my calendar just stops there. It’s weird because I’m going to Canada for like three-ish weeks in July/August, so that’s kind of like a weird floating bubble just after I graduate, but I can’t even think about the fortnight or so in between.
So the plan at the moment is to maybe do a masters. I say maybe because I still haven’t got round to applying to Durham, and was rejected by Oxford about three weeks ago. At least I can finally call myself a true Durham, Oxbridge reject now. Living the dream. Not bitter at all. Definitely didn’t ruin the last night of term for me, or the lonely shop shift that I found myself opening the email on. Amazing. I’d like to thank my good friend Wine for getting me through that evening (and also my other friends). Lol remember when I didn’t drink?
So anyway, once I’ve applied for a fifth year at Durham (lol) and have heard back (I’m pretty confident tbh) then there’s the fun decision of whether or not I actually want to spend another year in teeny tiny Durham, studying witchcraft, with even fewer friends, while everyone gets on with their life.
Whatever. This post wasn’t actually going to be about what I should do next year.
It’s actually about what I’m doing right now.
Right now I’m finishing up my dissertation (‘Sex, Drugs, and the European Witch Craze’), living off microwave food because my accommodation has no oven, and binge watching Forensic Files on the reg. It’s pretty sweet being me.
Weirdly enough, I feel really good. I feel on track. I’ve been blogging a lot lately which is really nice – I’ve missed having a hobby, and time to do it. My eating has got a lot better and I’ve even lost some weight, and am a lot fitter. I don’t mind looking in the mirror, or at photos of myself as much as I did a few weeks ago. Generally, I’m feeling pretty good.
I’ve been so focused on being the best (being liked, being clever, being fun, being pretty, etc.) that I’ve really fallen short of being the best for me. I’ve been a wandering shell doing all the things I had to do and none of the things I wanted to do.
But I’m getting over that, and that’s pretty cool.
I just have to keep going, doing me, and getting on with that.0