In this instalment of the ‘oh my god I’m finally free of blogging stereotypes’ confessions, I find out why I missed the memo on ‘learn to do your makeup’ day.
I’ll be honest, this post has no actual plan or structure. I came up with the idea while trying to sit through hooded eye smokey-eye tutorials on youtube and realising that I am literally the worst person at makeup. (The hooded eyes don’t help).
For the record, my makeup game on Sims3 is the bomb and I’m an absolute marvel at creating a human being that is not only attractive, but is probably more attractive than any human that ever existed. I’m also really bloody good at designing and building houses, infinity pools and all. Like, I don’t think you appreciate how good I actually am. I’m going to have to include images. This is so real for me.
I have no idea what to do when it comes to real life makeup.
I own it all. I own a lot of makeup (and a lot of lipsticks in exactly the same colour that looked different in he shop. If anyone wants a dusty pink, worn once, hit me up.) I just can’t put it on my face in any other way than average. I can’t cover spots properly, I can’t do anything remotely close to a smokey eye, and when I try anything other than a thick black cat eye, my hooded eyes make it go wonky when I have my eyes open.
When did everyone suddenly become makeup artists? Was I in the loo when it happened?
I did a little twitter poll to find out why I missed the memo on ‘suddenly become a MUA’ day. (These things are always risky.)
It wasn’t a popular poll. Hey, I’m clearly not a popular guy. Whatever. As you can also see, YouTube won with a pretty landslide victory. (I tried to embed the actual tweet but after about 20 minutes of trying to centre it using every html trick in the book (that I knew) I gave up.)
Clearly I’ve missed a trick. So, what better way to educate myself to a level that everyone else seems to already be on, than to follow along a tutorial video. (I have a feeling that this would make a great Youtube vid in itself so NO STEALS plz.)
I picked Zoella’s most recent (because I had all the ingredients). A kinda gold eye (is it smokey? I mean, it’s not grey but can gold be smokey?) and a bright lip. I can do bright lips. I have a bright lipstick. I found it a little easier than I expected – purely because it turns out my ‘base’ routine is pretty spot on anyway. I use foundation and concealer, though how she gets hers to completely cover her face properly I’ll never know. I also use blush, bronze and highlighter and apparently I’m not bad at that either.
Eyes, on the other hand, were a nightmare. I literally had no idea what I was doing. I had to pause Zoe at one of those unflattering ‘I’ve got my eye half-shut and a brush on my face’ positions and literally transfer what she had done onto my face like some kind of extreme painting by numbers. It took two attempts. Two.
I’ll be honest I definitely have some kind of disadvantage with this because my eyes just don’t fold the way everyone else’s do so finding a crease is the bane of my life. But, overall, I think I did a pretty okay job to be honest. I’m even going to wear it out to lunch in a bit (party in the day time say whaatttt).
Have some self-indulgent filtered selfies. If you don’t put on makeup and then take photos, did you even do it in the first place? No. Selfies complete me and you should take ALL the selfies.
And what have I learnt from this experience? Well, mainly that I have a lot to actually learn about how I put things on my face. I’m really really awful at it.
I also learnt that as much fun as it was to do, actually leaving the house in it just felt weird. I’m wearing so much foundation that my face actually feels heavier and a little pasty and I really don’t like it. Is this normal? Does anyone even know?
Are you awful at makeup too?
What was MUA day like and why didn’t you invite me?