Embracing Me

Embracing Me

[dropcap]M[/dropcap]y relationship with my body has always been strenuous. If I were to change my relationship status on facebook, my body and I would definitely fall under ‘it’s complicated.’ I think most people face insecurity at some points in their life, some more regularly than others, and that’s okay. Being okay with who you are and what you see in photographs and mirrors takes time and patience.

I mean seriously, I should know.

The checklist of ‘ways that my body has looked’ is completely ticked off. I’ve been petite, skinny, athletic, curvy and +size. In fact, the only size I can guarantee I’ve never been is tall. I’ve never been tall. A gal can dream.

I’ve seen my body change in front of my eyes from one thing to another, all the time wishing it was something else. If I’m honest, I’ve treated my body like utter shite. I’ve starved it, I’ve made it run for miles and miles on nothing, I’ve prodded and poked it, and filled it with junk in failed attempts to keep it satisfied. You name it.

As I’m writing this right now, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I have no idea how much I weigh so I can’t, and wouldn’t anyway, tell you how heavy that is. It really doesn’t matter. Can I also just say that this, right now, is the happiest I’ve ever been. Again, don’t quote me on that as I can’t be sure, but I feel good.

I’m not going to write some big speech about how maybe this is who I am and what I’m meant to be, because I don’t really care about that. Maybe this is who I am? Maybe this is my body’s nirvana? Couldn’t care less, m8. All I know is that for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m not in a huge hurry to change the way I look, and I’m having a nice time just being me and doing whatever.

It’s a luxury, sure. Maybe I’m just having a particularly good day, my sertraline is on a roll, and I just feel chill. Maybe it really is more than that. Either way, there’s no denying that this is the most content I’ve been with who I am in a long time.

And it’s definitely noticeable. I’m posting more and more pictures of myself on here and on instagram, and have fewer worries about doing so. All this when, in the mind of 18 year old me, I should be feeling terrible. I would be feeling terrible.

I’ve grown up a lot since I was 18 and running 10k a day after school (granted I actually really enjoyed running and have started to pick it back up again lately). I’ve started to embrace me. I’ve started to just allow my body to be my body, and to care for it in a way I’ve never done before. In short, I haven’t been trying to change it. Not actively anyway.

I’ve been in and out of the gym, eating healthily and well, and all round enjoying my life. And, regardless of the size in my jeans, I’m happier.

Because, ultimately, the size of your clothes really doesn’t matter. It’s allowed to get you down, of course it is, but it doesn’t define you. It doesn’t define me.

I’m caring for me, properly this time, and having a pretty sweet time doing it.

I think that’s pretty cool. x

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  • Kate says:

    Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! Happiness and health is what matters the most, not the size of our clothes.

    Kate / http://www.battlewind.co.uk/

  • Very Much Mia says:

    This was post was so powerful and uplifting! I can relate to everything you said on so many levels. I’ve experienced plenty of fluctuations in my weight and no matter what, I’ve always been less than satisfied. I too have reached a place where I’m just livin’ life and not worrying so much about how I look! As long as you’re happy and healthy, that’s what matters more than anything! I truly appreciate your ability to be so open and real.

    Mia | http://www.verymuchmia.com

  • Lisa Kristin says:

    This is a beautiful post which is so important for a lot of women to read. I think with society’s and social media’s pressure, the amount of women being unhappy with themselves has increased to no end, and I am certainly no exception, so thank you for putting such an uplifting and positive post out there! xx

  • Lucy says:

    I love this and really relate to it. I’ve never actually managed to get my body to be anything but the size it wants to be but I have at least given up trying and I have really stopped judging myself and thinking of my appearance as my self-worth ever since. I’m so glad you feel this way and hope it continues! It’s the healthiest way to be xxx
    Lucy @ La Lingua | Life, Travel, Italy

  • Sora says:

    Gosh this was amazing and arrived in my inbox at the right time! I’ve been struggling a lot with my looks as well… mostly because people have been calling me things because of the way I eat and started looking recently. I’ve been stress eating A LOT and I’ve been trying to change that, but lately I found out that I was so focused on losing weight I wasn’t actually enjoying the process.

    A couple days ago I decided to start eating healthier and exercising again, but not with the main purpose of losing weight, but mainly because I know it’ll make me feel better and more balaced.

    Thank you so much for writing this!!! ♥

  • Lisa Santos says:

    This was such a beautiful post to read and so powerful.
    It is good to read that you are in this beautiful state of mind where you are happy and feel good about yourself. No matter what size we all are, that is what matters in the end.

    The Lisa’s World

  • Rita Macedo says:

    These are such powerful words. At the moment I still haven’t figured out if I’m happy with the way I look or not. I guess it depends on the days, somedays we all feel crap, right? But it’s definitely the time I feel the most confident ever, I don’t ever look for “mistakes” on my photos, that’s the way I am, that’s my face and if I don’t like myself, who will? There’s still a few things to work when it comes to confidence but I feel well and I’m really happy that you feel well too! I think that when we’re happy with ourselves, it’s almost a pleasure to feel happy for others 🙂 x

    Rita | Tea & Curls

  • Lucy says:

    Such a positive post, you look gorgeous and its so good to hear you’re the happiest you’ve been! Like what an amazing thing!

    Lucy | Forever September

  • dreamofadventures says:

    Great post! I’ve realized that the number on the scale means nothing it’s how you feel in your body. Having realized that I have become so confident and comfortable in my body. I’ve started to pick up yoga which has made me build muscles in places I have never had muscles and I love the way I feel now =o) I adore your confidence xx


  • Aimee Julia says:

    Such an inspiring post! I wish we could all find happiness and embrace our bodies just the way they are. I’m so glad you have learned to. x http://www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x

  • Emma Jones says:

    I so needed this lately. Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring words. <3

  • Erin says:

    I love that you have found a way to feel like this about yourself. I can relate so much to having such a complicated relationship with my body. I’m hoping that one day I can feel like you do, and I love seeing more pictures of you, I can see your confidence and feel your acceptance and it’s pretty damned sweet.

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