[dropcap]A[/dropcap]nother little catch up from me before I get completely and utterly lost in the world of anonymous marking codes, highlighters and self-doubt. That said, it’s now less than a week before my first exam so maybe I should have already got a little lost… I’m not worried about them. If anything I’m more stressed about the fact that everyone else is stressed and I’m just not. I know what I need to get and how to get it, and I know that if I don’t it doesn’t matter. It’ll be fine.
I’m pretty relaxed about the whole thing while simultaneously being really worried about it – I’m not worried about failing or even getting short of a 2:1, I’m more worried about the whole ‘once I’ve taken these exams I have finished my whole extended degree and then what do I do?’ vibe. If I don’t work for them, it’s like they’re not happening, right?
Except I am working for them. I’m working really hard. I mean, I’m currently sitting in a college study room thing at 9:30am – I’ve been here 45mins and the room is half full. Then again, I’m writing a blog post about how stressed and not stressed I am about exams so I’m kinda just taking up valuable work space.
I also have a very slight headache. Very slight. I blame the glass of wine I had last night while celebrating the fact that it turns out I can complete three crosswords (Times, Telegraph and Guardian) in under an hour on most days – except yesterday because the Guardian’s was legit so hard. The small things, am I right?
It doesn’t help that the last time I took a real exam was in 2015 at the end of my second year. I had five exams and had just started a blog and I did fine. But that was two years ago and I can’t quite remember how to do them, or how I like to revise best, or anything really. What an exciting time.
I’ve also managed to bag a seat in this study room that faces literally everyone else so I’ve just spent two minutes just watching everyone work, safe knowing they don’t know I’m just procrastiblogging.
I just feel a bit weird, at the moment. The combo of being stressed and not stressed is tiring me out, and I’ve done the classic me thing and have taken it out on food, being mean to myself and annoying everyone else. This is the part where I shout out to Elliott because he wants me to. Hi Elliott. Ty for being a pal. Your life is probably far more stressful than mine with the whole ‘I’m starting a PhD in Physics after this’ thing you have going on.
I’m just tired. And bored of African religion, and how religion has affected British and American war policy since the American Revolution, and – dare I say it – I’m bored of the Reformation. I just want to go back and write my dissertation again. I loved those 12,000 words. They were fun and interesting. Nightmare.
So what started off life as what was going to be a little ‘hi I won’t be around much for the next two weeks’ has turned into a little heart to heart about how weird I feel about the whole exams/end of degree thing. Pretty cooooool. That’s fine though. As I say, two weeks and this’ll all be done.
Do you have any tips for worrying but not worrying about exams?