Am I healthy? I’m overweight, that’s a given, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. And mentally I’m a bit all over the place… but does that count? When I think about myself, and my choices, am I as healthy as I possibly could be?
No. Not at all. Not in any way.
It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, as I take off my winter coat to walk up the six flights of stairs to my flat because I get too hot, or as I grab myself a sneaky fudge hot chocolate from Starbucks between lectures. Am I actually healthy? Is this healthy?
‘Healthy’ itself is a really loaded word, isn’t it? It’s dripping in connotations that make us squirm just thinking about them. Things like weight and food and the amount we drink and exercise, and whether we’re doing it right or wrong and whether we’re doing enough and should we cut out things completely or is moderation key and WHAT DOES IT ALL EVEN MEAN?!
And, more importantly, what does it mean to me?
I’m not healthy, in any sense of the word. I’m unfit, I live off on-the-go style food, and I haven’t taken my Sertraline for well over a month now. My excuse is that I’ve been busy. I’m never home around meal times so tend to live off junk that I can find nearby, and I’m always in meetings or lectures, or trying to catch up on blogging or uni work, so never really find time to hit the gym or anything like that.
It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while now.
I’ve always had a weird relationship with health. When I was 18/19 I was really into the idea of being healthy. REALLY into it. Too into it. So into it that I’d run 10k a day and eat from the children’s menu in restaurants because I thought that was what it meant to be healthy and happy. In reality, I probably wasn’t well, and spent a lot of my day tired or on edge. I wasn’t healthy. I was under-eating and over-exercising.
Fast forward to Paris and this lack of balance flipped completely on its head. Suddenly it was the other way round and the constant need to be healthy turned into a constant need to fill some kind of void with food. Classic binge eating – it made me sad, and less likely to exercise, and yeah. It all flipped on its head. I spent a lot of my time alone, and made up for it with food.
It’s a habit that I’m finding it incredibly hard to break. Too hard to really try, to be honest.
I’ve found the last month especially tough. I have no idea what I’m doing and no idea how to fix it, and the more it bothers me, the more I let it win. It’s one of those cycles that I’m finding really hard to break. Part of me just can’t be bothered and that part seems to be a lot stronger than the part that wants to be happy and healthy.
I think I’m also scared of being healthy, because to me healthy meant being unhealthy in an entirely different way. So do I keep doing what I’m doing and be on one end of the spectrum, or change entirely and go to the complete other end? It’s a battle between unhealthy and unhealthy with no idea what the middle ground is.
Does anyone know what the balance between those two polar opposites is? I’ve asked a few people, and had a google, and no one seems to really know.
I’m aware that you can be healthy at any size, so I’m not worried about that. I’m not about to start shaming anyone like a bellend because I’m not about that life. Healthiness and size are just not an issue in any way. As long as you’re happy we’re all good in my book.
But I’m not happy. I’m not happy with the way I look or the way I feel in my clothes and the very little fitness I have is frankly upsetting. I’m not happy at all. With anything. I’m tired all the time and basically just about holding it together.
But I’m scared of starting again, again. It terrifies me. Showing weakness.
And even if I started again I’d have no idea what I was doing.
And do I even want to start again? Can I even be bothered? Aren’t we defined by more than how fast we can walk up a hill?
It’s more than that though, isn’t it. Health is so much more than what people see on the outside, and what people see on the outside is just so irrelevant to health. Health is so personal and so subjective, and something everyone takes care of differently.
Am I healthy? No. Is that okay? Well… no not really? But at least I know that, and I can take steps to better myself for the right reasons. That’s all I can really hope for. x