[dropcap]H[/dropcap]alloween is probably my least favourite day of the year. I’m having trouble thinking of a ‘holiday’ that I dislike more than Halloween. Valentines is kinda cute, really. Christmas is Christmas. Easter is chocolatey and fun. Nah, can’t think of one. Halloween is the worst day of the year.
Now, you’ll probably think otherwise. By the looks of things, and by things I mean twitter/insta/blogs, Halloween is a big deal for you guys. You like to get dressed up, throw around some pumpkins, and enjoy being spooky and sexy and fun and whatever.
But I think you’re all wrong.
Let me tell you why Halloween is just the worst:
- Orange glitter. I’m not sorry or anything, but orange glitter is not Halloweeny. Like, it’s tacky in a bad way. It gets everywhere and it’s orange. Come on now.
- People that are ‘so into pumpkins’ but only carve them. Hello? Make some soup out of that stuff? Croutons and Gruyere and happinesss. You’re bad at autumn otherwise.
- Lame ass costumes. I fall into this category 99% of the time because I don’t have the confidence to make an actual effort. I’m the worst.
- Insensitive costumes. Guys, if your costume is racist or sexist or whatever, you are 99% a racist or a sexist or whatever. Sort out your life.
- Boys in ripped white shirts, one stupid contact lens, splattered with fake blood. Go back to Nandos because if this were my party you wouldn’t be allowed through the front door. Oh and those contacts? They’re gonna blind you. FYI.
- Sexy costumes. Mainly because I can’t wear them because I neither have the confidence, nor the body to pull them off. Straight up jealousy.
- Costumes in general. This is my main reason for hating Halloween, to be honest. I hate having people look at me, and costumes are just the complete opposite of everything I stand for. Just let me stand at the back dressed in black without making me feel rubbish for having already felt rubbish enough to have only dressed in black this year.
- Annoying decorations. Y’know the things that scream if you walk past or that cobweb stuff that goes everywhere and looks an absolute mess. You are not scaring me, you’re annoying me. I want to go about my life without having something wailing in my ear every minute.
- People find it really weird that you don’t like it. Like, why do you care? I don’t like a day where everyone has to dress up, okay? I didn’t like World Book Day at school either. Deal with it.
- Plastic. Tell me the truth, how much Halloween tat do you actually keep in a box marked ‘Halloween’ next to your Chistmas stuff? I’m willing to guess that zero is your answer – unless you’re totally keen and cool. Guys, Climate Change is so real and we need to take it seriously. Stop buying loads of plastic rubbish that you’re going to throw away in two days.
- People that make a big deal of hating it. Okay, so yeah yeah I’ve written this post but also I’m not going to comment on yours like oh well actually something about Christianity something about paganism something about American holidays ruining the Great British Autumn like okay get over that too. Let people live.
- Halloween sweets. The same sweets you can buy all year round but with some super fun branding OR really crappy cheap sweets that will probably kill you before you’ve popped them in your mouth.
- Teenagers. Don’t worry I’m not being a grumpy old lady or anything, but if you’re old enough to no longer look cute in your costume asking old people for sweets, you need to stop. Stop right there. Get drunk in the park with everyone else and stop scaring your neighbours and stealing from hard working children. The whole concept of ‘Trick or Treat’ makes me sweat with nerves and I’m only 22.
- TV Halloween Specials. I’m sorry but they’re kinda boring and a bit forced and why are we having a week’s break from the actual story line to see you at a halloween party? Oh no! Something slightly spooky has happened which won’t impact anything at all next week! What. Is. The. Point?!
- It’s not Bonfire Night. Bonfire Night is the best night of the year, obviously. In Sussex we have a massive bonfire tradition that spreads throughout October and November and we burn more than just Guy Fawkes on our fires. If you need some inspiration just google ‘Lewes Bonfire’ to see what I mean. Bonfire Night wins hands down.